


Not Alone

by stardust_20



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Light Angst, Philinda centered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-08
Packaged: 2018-03-05 14:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3122813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardust_20/pseuds/stardust_20
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when Coulson accidentally encounters Audrey and she re-enters his life, after he's begun a relationship with May? How can he choose between the two?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is another little idea that popped into my head during the Christmas break and as it didn't fit into my longer story (The Winds of Change), I decided to write another fic to explore it. It's 4 parts long, already completed and roughly 6800 words altogether.
> 
> I set this story roughly between episodes 1 and 2 of season 2, when May is just finding out about Coulson's alien carvings. Spoilers for all of season 1 and these two episodes, though it's very much AU as there isn't a lot of canon, just a lot of relationship exploration between the three. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own them (though I kind of wish I could have Coulson), and am making no money from writing stories about them.  
> Also, I used some quotes from the song "Not Alone" by Red - I don't own the rights to it but love it nearly as much as I love Coulson and May, and I listened to it a lot while writing the story so using some of the quotes just seemed natural.  
> Thrace warning: (I know most of you won't know what that is, don't worry.) I don't remember the system exactly, but this is mild angst with nothing you wouldn't want to read, so enjoy!

_~ Looking for a distant light, someone who could save a life. Lost in the rain again, when will it ever end? ~_

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

“I’m getting some unpleasant flashbacks here, Phil.” 

Her voice in his ear made him smile. “Sausalito?”

“Uh huh.”

He looked down the alley instinctively, already knowing that May was out of sight around the corner, eyes on the diner where the Hydra meet was taking place. They’d lucked out, intercepting a transmission from Whitehall and being able to place him here with Skye’s father. Getting eyes on this meet had been of utmost importance and he’d only trusted himself and May to pull it off. 

“They’re finishing up,” she interrupted, his musings coming firmly back to reality.

“Follow them out. I’ll come around the next block.”

“Copy that.”

He began to walk down the street, eyes constantly moving, watching for Whitehall’s men. He ducked into a street vendor’s stall to avoid being seen by the black SUV driving slowly past and nearly bumped into a woman.

“ _Phil?_ Phil is that you? Oh my god.”

“Audrey.” He froze as their eyes met. 

She dropped her shopping bag and covered her mouth with one hand, face going white.

“Are you okay?” he asked, touching her arm.

“You’re alive. My god … how is this possible? I thought ... you’re supposed to be dead.”

Coulson’s heart thudded painfully in his chest. “It’s a long story.”

“Phil?” May’s voice in his ear brought him back to reality. “They’re coming your way. Are you … “ She hesitated delicately.

“Yes I”ll be there.” He shut off the comm for a moment. “Audrey, I’m sorry, I’m in the middle of something. I have to go.”

Her lip curled as her colour began to come back. “A mission, no doubt.” She shook her head wonderingly. “I can’t believe you’re still alive. I thought … “

“I know. I’m sorry you had to find out like this.”

She pulled a piece of paper and pen out of her purse and hastily scrawled her number on it, pushing the scrap into his breast pocket. “Call me. I want to know what happened.”

She was gone before he could even say goodbye, rushing past him and grabbing her parcel in the blink of an eye. He turned the comm back on.

“Phil.” May’s voice was more insistent in his ear.

“Coming,” he said brusquely, pushing Audrey out of his mind for the moment. “Have you still got them?”

“Yes, but three SUV’s full of guys are with them. I don’t want to get too close until you’re there.”

“I’ll be around the corner in a second.”

“Good. I’ll get the bike.”

He watched as she came pedalling by - literally on a bicycle - with her helmet pulled down low and large reflective sunglasses covering nearly the rest of her face, and wouldn’t have known it was her if he hadn’t known it was her. She now had an orange jacket on and a bag slung across her body, the logo of a known bike messenger service emblazoned on it.

May was good. Even watching carefully as he was, he didn’t see her plant the tracker on the middle of the three black vehicles, conveniently the one Whitehall and the doctor got into just as she turned into the next street.

“Bingo,” he said softly. “You were right.”

“I usually am.”

Coulson smiled. “Go dark and I’ll meet you back at the Bus.”

“Copy that. Stay safe.”

“Back at you.”

He waited until they’d all gone from sight and then another fifteen minutes for good measure, constantly scanning the street in case Whitehall had done double surveillance. It’s what he would have done if he’d been the one planning a meet in such a public place, knowing the enemy was right on their tail. Another fifteen minutes later when he was satisfied the area was clear, he walked into the Starbucks down the street and ordered a coffee. He walked down the street with it leisurely, again watching for any signs of a tail, though he was fairly certain Whitehall’s men were gone. 

Once he’d reached the car, he turned in the opposite direction he actually wanted to go. Taking the most circuitous route back would ensure any tail he might have missed wouldn’t follow him right back to base, plus it would give him a chance to think about Audrey. Should he call her or just let things be and hope they never bumped into one another again? Surely she’d forget about him eventually and move on, expecting she’d never hear from him again.

After debating the subject for a long while, he decided to call. Now that she’d seen him, she’d likely do a little digging to find out what happened, and that might alert people, bad people, to her very existence and put her in danger, something he really didn’t want to happen.

He had no idea what to say to her or how to explain why he’d let her believe he was dead for over a year.

~ ~ ~ 

“The op went smoothly I presume?” Skye asked as May pulled into the loading bay, parked the bike and shook her hair out of the helmet.

“Mostly. I got the tracker planted so we should have eyes on their whereabouts now.”

“Good. What do you mean by ‘mostly’?”

“There was a complication. Audrey.”

“Audrey? Who’s Audrey?”

“Coulson’s old girlfriend. The one he was seeing when he died.”

“Oh. Doesn’t she think he’s dead?”

“Not anymore,” May said grimly. “They bumped into one another on the stakeout.”

Skye tilted her head. “Isn’t that kind of an odd coincidence?”

May started walking, indicating Skye should join her. “Normally I’d say so, but she does live here and I know she has nothing to do with Shield or Hydra, so I think it was just a case of wrong place, wrong time.”

“Why didn’t he tell her what happened to him? I mean what he believed happened, with Tahiti and all … why leave her thinking he was dead?”

They stopped and stared at one another. “I don’t know Skye. I do know Fury wanted everyone to believe he’d died, so maybe Coulson took that to heart and decided not to trust her with the truth. Maybe he thought it would be easier this way. I never asked him about it and he never told me.”

“Hmm. The amount of time you two spend together I figured you must tell each other everything.”

May’s eyes slitted. “Not everything. Some things are more personal than others.” _And some things just never come up in discussion, especially not when we’re enjoying a little private time together._

Skye looked May up and down. “Did you ever meet her?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“She’s a lovely woman, inside and out.” _And that’s the problem. It’s impossible to dislike her._

Sensing May’s discomfort with the topic, Skye changed it. “When will Coulson be back?”

“Soon I imagine. ‘Til then I’ll be up in his office catching up on some work.”

She nodded. “I’ll get the link uploaded and Tripp and I will keep an eye on them.”

“Good. Let me know if they make any sudden moves.”

“Will do.”

~ ~ ~ 

May sat at Coulson’s desk with some paperwork in front of her but she wasn’t seeing the words at all.

Audrey. 

She was back in his life again, by accident it was true, but now that she was back in his mind, the feelings he’d locked away after his death would likely resurface. She knew only too well what it was like to bury feelings for someone you couldn’t have, only to have them bubble up to the surface when the object of those affections was right there in front of you again. 

It had happened to her when she’d come to work with Coulson again. 

Unless he chose to make a clean break with Audrey and remain ‘dead’, she figured they’d get back together, and while she couldn’t be uncharitable and not wish him happiness, she knew the cost of his was her own. The two of them had only just begun to explore a personal relationship that went deeper than the friendship they’d always had, and she was afraid that would be tossed out the window as the woman he’d fallen in love with several years earlier would take her place and nudge her out of his heart. 

~ ~ ~ 

This was crazy. How could he be afraid to talk to Audrey? He’d dialed her number five times and stopped at the last number each time, chickening out at the last minute.

How could he tell her? What would he tell her? How could she ever accept that he’d chosen to remain ‘dead’ instead of going to her and telling her the truth? Would she hate him for it? For lying, for staying away when they could have had that time together … would she understand his reasons? And really, just how much _could_ he tell her? Most of it was classified and only three people knew the full and complete truth of what had happened to him; he himself, Fury, and May. Even Skye, whom he’d trusted somewhat as he’d caused her to share his fate with the GH325 serum, didn’t know everything. Couldn’t. Level Ten security wasn’t to be broken lightly. Could he reveal those secrets to someone who wasn’t even with Shield?

A knock at the door broke into his thoughts. “Phil?”

“Come in.”

May stepped inside but stopped when she saw the cellphone in his hand. “Sorry, am I interrupting?”

He forced himself back to the moment and tossed the phone onto his desk. “No, not at all.”

She came in and sat down facing him. They stared at one another for a long moment.

“About what happened earlier,” May began, stopping to draw in a deep breath.

“I never thought I’d see her again.” Coulson rushed in before she could ask anything else. “Now she knows I’m not dead.”

“Are you going to talk to her about it?” she asked stiffly, eyes flicking to the phone on his desk.

“I think I have to. I don’t want her digging and trying to find out the truth. She’ll put herself on the radar of people who shouldn’t know about her.”

“What will you tell her?” Most of it is classified.”

“I know.” He met her eyes directly, both of them thinking of the time he’d found out she’d been keeping that same secret from him, though at the time she hadn’t known the depth of it herself. “I’m not sure how much I can tell her or if she’ll forgive me for keeping this from her, but now that she knows, I owe her at least a basic explanation.”

She nodded and stood. “You know where to find me if you need to talk.”

He stared at the door after she’d gone for several minutes before picking up the phone. Telling Audrey the truth about his death and resurrection was going to be hard enough without the added complication that in the year they’d been working together he’d developed feelings for May. For a year he’d kept those feelings as hidden as he could, but very recently the two of them had confessed to each feeling something deeper for one another and had begun to explore what that might mean to their relationship. 

Of course he still cared deeply for Audrey, but now May was at the forefront of his thoughts most of the time. How could he tell her that, and should he even try?

~ ~ ~ 

“So he’s gone for coffee with her,” Skye said as they sparred.

May’s eyes grew even more steely than usual. “Yes.”

“Do you think he’s going to tell her the truth about what happened to him?”

“Some of it, yes.”

“I wonder if they’ll get back together.”

Misery flowed through her suddenly, and she tried a new combination, throwing Skye to the ground heavily. “I doubt if he has time for romance right now.”

Skye stood and shook herself, watching May narrowly. “People make time for the things that are important to them.” She threw a few punches of her own and did a surprise low roundhouse kick, designed to take May down by the knees. To her surprise it worked, and the older woman went down, grunting as her back hit the mat. “I’d say I’m improving but I think you were just distracted.”

“There’s your lesson for today,” May said as she got up. “Don’t ever lose your focus. It can get you killed.”

“I’ll try to remember that.”

She took those words to heart and thought of them every time she saw May through the rest of the day, who was, obviously to her eyes, becoming more and more distracted the longer Coulson was gone.

An interesting fact to be sure. She’d never questioned May’s loyalty to Coulson, not even completely believing it when May had appeared to be with Hydra, but she wondered now why May was so devoted to him. Was it just because they were old friends or was it because she had deeper feelings for him? Given her behaviour earlier, Skye figured it was definitely the latter, however if she wanted to know she was going to have to ask May outright. As well as she was learning to read her SO, May was still very closed when it came to personal feelings and kept them very much to herself.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

_~ You’re living in fear that no one will hear your cries. Can you save me now? ~_

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Audrey finally broke the uncomfortable silence between them. “I can’t believe you’re still alive.” 

Coulson smiled sadly. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

She leaned forward, elbows on the table. “Why didn’t you? What happened to you, Phil?”

“I wish I could tell you everything, Audrey. Most of it is classified. I was involved in the attack on New York and stabbed through the heart.”

“So you did die?” Her eyes grew wide and misty.

“Yes. They brought me back but the Director decided it was best that we pretend I was dead.”

“Why?”

He smiled again. “That’s part of the classified stuff. We have a lot of enemies - “

“I’ve heard that,” Audrey interrupted dryly. “It’s all over the news. I just can’t believe what they’re saying about Shield.”

“Don’t. It isn’t true. We’re still the good guys.”

“I can’t imagine you ever not being a good guy.” She leaned forward and reached across the table, taking his hands in hers. “Whatever happened, I’m glad you’re still alive. I’ve missed you so.”

He squeezed her hands. “I’ve missed you too. I wanted to tell you the truth, you have to believe that.”

“I can keep a secret, Phil. You could have told me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“We’ve lost a year we could have had together. Let’s not waste any more time.”

His heart began to pound. “Audrey, I’m not sure - “

“Don’t tell me you don’t care anymore.” Her eyes shone as she blinked rapidly. 

“I do, it’s just .. things are complicated right now. I’m not sure I’m ready to jump back in - “

“Complicated how?”

“I wish I could tell you.”

She pulled back and her tone was decidedly cooler. “Is there someone else?”

“No.” _Forgive me for the lie._

“Because I haven’t even so much as looked at anyone else since you - “ she trailed off.

“I just need some time to figure things out.”

She stood and came around the table. He stood to meet her and their eyes locked. She leaned in and kissed his cheek, then his lips. “We’ve already lost a year, Phil. Don’t take too long.”

~ ~ ~ 

Coulson shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Typically his day started with an informal meeting with May, usually over breakfast, as they talked over what lie ahead that day. It was often the best part of the day for him, before stress weighed them down and took the fun out of life. 

Today the atmosphere in his office was much chillier than usual. He glanced at May but as always her face was unreadable. 

“Is something wrong?”

“No.” She looked up and met his eyes. “Why?”

“Just wondering. You seem quiet today.” Those eyes … deep and dark just like Audrey’s yet so very different.

“I’m always quiet.”

“True.” He pushed the worry aside. “How did things go here while I was out?”

“Fine.” She spoke quickly, almost dismissively. “You were gone a long time.”

“We had a lot to talk about.”

“Did you tell her everything?”

“Enough.”

“And is she still speaking to you?” May asked dryly, a smirk hovering over her lips.

“She wants to pick up where we left off.”

“Oh.” He watched her narrowly but though she never actually moved, she seemed to shrink further into herself. “Is that what you want?”

“I really don’t know.”

“It’s been a long time and a lot of things have changed since you were together.”

“I still care for her.” The moment he said it, he regretted it. May withdrew back into herself even further as if she’d been hit, the mask drawing over her face and wiping all emotion from it. 

“I’m happy for you then,” she said stiffly. “We have a lot to do today. We should get to work.”

There was no fun, no banter, for the rest of the morning and he sorely missed it. He hadn’t realized just how much fun they had together, even when May was being her usual cynical and difficult self. Even more so then; he thoroughly enjoyed needling her and working to draw her out and get a smile when she was being deliberately stoic.

When they’d first begun working together again a year earlier, he’d missed the old May, the young girl with the sparkle in her eye who’d enjoyed playing practical jokes on her teammates and always played with fire because living on the edge was who she was. He understood why she’d changed and knew that the many years they’d spent apart had severed something they’d shared as young agents together. A new relationship had grown between them in the time they’d been spending together now though, one with a different kind of push and pull and a much darker and more subtle type of fun, and without even realizing it he’d come to expect it as the new norm for them.

And had fallen in love with her as well.

This distant, impersonal woman saddened him, especially as he knew he was the reason for it. He had no idea how to handle this situation; give him any kind of complicated hostage or rescue scenario and he could figure out how to solve it, but how to deal with the two women he cared for without hurting one of them was something that stumped him. 

He couldn’t just dump Audrey, he’d hurt her enough by not being honest with her. And the truth was he did still care for her. Their relationship had come to an abrupt end which neither of them had been ready for. But not ending it with her was jeopardizing his whole relationship with May, and not only the burgeoning romance portion of it. That part had been unexpected to be sure, but in hindsight, not really surprising. They’d always been close and understood each other in ways others couldn’t. He valued May’s friendship and honesty with him more than he’d ever let her know, and being able to share deeper feelings with her had stirred a happiness in him that he hadn’t felt with anyone else. He could already feel that closeness slipping away and he desperately wanted to hold onto it. 

Now he was stuck between them two, and had no idea how not to hurt either or both of them.

~ ~ ~ 

Five days had passed since Audrey had come back into Coulson’s life, and five days in a row he’d been off the base seeing her.

May wished she could be angry with him for rekindling their relationship. She wished she had reason to lay into him and try to keep them apart - neglecting his duties as Director perhaps? - but there wasn’t anything she could do but watch it happen and try to hold the pieces of her shattered heart together.

She’d never confessed it to anyone, until several weeks ago when she’d been honest with Phil about her feelings for him. He was The One, in capital letters, and she’d known it since their earliest days together, yet she’d never been brave enough to make the move back then and they’d drifted apart. Always remaining friends and making an effort to see one another when they weren’t working together, but not as close as they’d once been as partners. 

His relationship - finally a serious one after all the years of avoiding commitment - with Audrey had surprised but not really dismayed her. She’d given up hoping and wishing long before and had tried to move on with her own life. She’d been happy for him that he’d found someone sweet and kind who loved him and best of all wasn’t related to Shield in any way. She’d only seen him a couple of times in passing during their relationship, but she could see a lightness in him that she knew came from being with Audrey. That part of his life gave him a chance to get away from the stress and just be Phil, and clearly it was good for him to stop being an agent and just _be_ sometimes.

How could she deny him the chance to have that back? He’d suffered so much, he deserved a chance at happiness in this even crazier world they were now living in.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost there, just one more chapter after this to find out what happens ... 
> 
> * * * * * *

_~ And I’ll be your hope when you feel like it’s over. And I will pick you up when your whole world shatters. ~_

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

She was running the track at six am when Skye joined her, bleary-eyed and gravelly-voiced. “Morning.”

May grunted in response. “You’re late.”

Skye shrugged as she fell into step. “Sorry. I slept in.”

“At least you slept,” May murmured to herself. 

“Hmm?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re kind of grumpy this morning.”

“I’m kind of grumpy every morning.”

“Well more so than usual.”

“Rough night.” She didn’t elaborate. 

They ran in silence for several minutes. “Lover’s quarrel?” Skye asked lightly, hoping May would appreciate her attempt at humour.

“Huh. I’d need a lover for that.”

“I thought maybe you and Coulson … you seem pretty close … “

“He spent the night with Audrey.” Her words were clipped and brusque, bordering on rude.

“Oh.” Skye gave May a sidelong glance as they ran, trying to read her. “You mean he didn’t come back?”

“Nope.”

“He’s leaving us all alone?”

“I’m in charge when he’s not here, remember?” 

Skye could see the weight of responsibility May carried in her face and body, and in a rare moment of vulnerability, the weight of emotional pain she was carrying. The mask came back in an instant and it was gone but she felt a sympathetic pain in her heart for what May must be feeling.

“I feel safer already,” she said lightly, trying to divert the conversation again.

May glared at her through slitted eyes. “Don’t mock me. I’ve killed for less.”

“Good advice. I’ll take that under advisement.” Skye smiled to herself in satisfaction, seeing the humour in May’s frosty glare. She’d done what she’d set out to do and more. Taking another piece of her SO’s advice to heart, she kept silent for the rest of the run.

~ ~ ~ 

“Can I have a word with you?”

Coulson looked up sharply. Skye had already parked herself in the chair opposite his desk and she had that stubborn look that spelled trouble written all over her face.

He closed the file he was working on and set his hands on the desk, clasped together. “What can I do for you, Skye?”

“Do you have any idea what you’re doing to May?”

His eyebrows raised. “Excuse me?”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “Don’t try to pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

“I’m not entirely sure how it’s your business.”

“May is my friend and she’s hurting.”

“She _told_ you that?” he asked incredulously.

“No, but I can see it. What exactly is going on between you two and with you and Audrey?”

“She told you about Audrey?”

“She mentioned it in passing. I was curious so I kept pressing until she told me more.”

“Of course you did. Listen, Skye, what’s going on between me and May is personal and none of anyone else’s business.”

“It may be personal but we’re all too close here for personal things to stay private. May is my SO; I spend a lot of time with her. I know what’s happening with you and Audrey is hurting her, though she won’t elaborate when I ask.”

He bit his lip. “No, I don’t suppose she would. She’s a very private person and doesn’t like sharing feelings.”

Skye leaned forward. “That doesn’t mean she doesn’t have them, and what you’re doing is hurting her. Can’t you see that? Don’t you care?”

“Of course I care.” HIs eyes flashed hotly. “May means a great deal to me.”

“Then why are you going back to Audrey? Why not move forward and maybe even get closer with May? You two clearly care for each other very much.”

 _If you only knew._ “It’s complicated Skye. Audrey and I were very close before my unfortunate run-in with Loki.”

“Was May okay with it then?” she asked curiously.

“May and I weren’t as close as we are now back then. We’d been apart a number of years, gone our separate ways, and had a more … distant friendship. It’s only been since we’ve been working together again that things have changed between us.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong but you’ve been okay with no Audrey for over a year now. I get that you ran into her accidentally, it wasn’t that you chose to find her, but why start things up again when they’d been just fine the way they were?”

“It’s complicated,” he repeated.

“It seems pretty easy to me.” She stood and walked to the door. “You need to figure out where your heart really is.”

~ ~ ~

And there was the crux of the problem: he wasn’t sure exactly where his heart was. He knew he was beginning to have deeper feelings for May, and to be honest, couldn’t picture his life without her in it anymore, but he’d loved Audrey before his demise and though he hadn’t been with her in any real way in over a year, those feelings hadn’t completely faded away either.

It was a dilemma and one Coulson hated being in the middle of.

His gut was churning as he drove away from the base and he felt a little sick to his stomach. Nerves twitched inside him like hyperactive butterflies and a sudden realization dawned on him. _This is what it must be like to cheat on someone. I feel like I’m cheating on May, sneaking out and making excuses for what I’m doing …_

He had to make a decision soon, before it drove him absolutely crazy.

~ ~ ~ 

They lay there in the dark, entwined, breathing deeply as their bodies cooled from lovemaking. Treacherous thoughts ran through Coulson’s mind. As he’d moved over Audrey, her face had changed and he’d found himself looking down on May. In his mind she’d gone from ecstasy to sadness, staring at him through those deeply expressive eyes she normally kept shuttered. _Why?_ they’d seemed to ask. _Why are you doing this to me?_

He was afraid to speak, even as the minutes grew long. Finally Audrey broke the silence.

“Are you okay, Phil?”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not having regrets are you?”

He could hear the concern in her voice and it struck a dissonant chord in him as his mind played tricks with him. In the almost absolute darkness he couldn’t see anything but a head full of dark hair spilling down towards him and for a moment, again, he was sure it was May. Audrey’s voice, so unlike her low, husky one, spoiled the illusion and brought him back to confusing reality.

“Maybe we can do your place next time. I can come and make dinner for you, or we can make it together - “

“I’m afraid we can’t Audrey. I don’t exactly have a place anymore.”

“Where are you living then?”

“At the base.”

“Well, where is it? I’d like to see it.”

“I can’t tell you. I’m sorry.”

“You can’t break the rules even for me? I’m sure Fury wouldn’t mind.”

“Fury isn’t the Director anymore.”

“Oh.” He could hear her disappointment. They’d only met twice, but he knew how charismatic a man Nick Fury was. He and Audrey had hit it off immediately the time they’d met accidentally at his place. “Who is?”

“I am.”

“Really? And you didn’t think that was important enough to tell me?”

He pushed away from her and sat up. “Pretty much everything to do with Shield is classified now, Audrey. You have to understand that after everything we’ve gone through we can’t trust blindly.”

“You don’t trust me?”

The coldness in her voice froze his blood. “It’s not you. I don’t believe there’s any reason I can’t trust you, but I just don’t trust anyone right now. We’ve had defectors on the inside. People I trusted absolutely. People I thought were friends and allies.” He thought briefly about May and his stomach churned at the memory of how he’d treated her when he’d mistakenly believed she’d betrayed him. “I can’t be too careful and that means keeping everything to do with Shield private and protected from everything outside.”

There was a long silence, then Audrey rolled away and got out of the bed, pulling on her dressing gown and turning on the bathroom light. “It’s going to be hard carrying on any sort of relationship when we can’t talk to one another.”

“We can talk about you and what you do.”

“Don’t kid yourself, Phil. You don’t know anything about music.”

“Formally, no. But I know that I like music and I love listening to you play.”

“Do you think that’ll be enough?”

Coulson pulled on his underwear and pants and stood to face her. “I don’t know. My life has been turned completely upside down and I’m not sure of anything anymore.”

She walked over and took his hands in hers. “I want to be there for you but I don’t know how.”

The tears welling in her eyes cut him inside. “I wish I knew what to tell you, Audrey,” he said softly, voice dangerously close to breaking. “Maybe I just need a little time to figure things out.”

“Time? Are you sure time is what you need?”

“I don’t really know what I need. I think what I need is time to figure what I need and what I want.”

“You know I’ll be here waiting.” The tears shimmering in her eyes began to spill down her cheeks. “Go then, and figure it out.”  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

_~ And when you’re finally in my arms look up and see, love has a face. I am with you, I will carry you through it all, ‘cause you’re not, you’re not alone._  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

It was late when he arrived back. All the better as Coulson didn’t feel like talking about it and knew people would press him. He didn’t want to have to get snarly to make them go away.

On his way past the common living area, he stopped and turned back. He could use a drink right now, a stiff one, to help him loosen up and get to sleep so he didn’t spend the night cursing his inability to deal with his dilemma. 

He found a bottle of scotch, opened, and poured a shot, finding comfort as the warm liquid burned his throat and esophagus all the way down. He sucked it all back in one gulp and poured another, drinking it just as quickly.

“You’re going to get drunk if you don’t stop there.”

For a moment Coulson wasn’t sure if May’s voice was real or just in his head, until he turned it and saw her curled up on the couch. She had blended into the shadows perfectly in her black clothing and dark hair and he’d missed her entirely when he’d walked by.

“Maybe that’s the idea.” He swallowed hard. “It’s late, what are you still doing up?”

“I don’t sleep when you’re gone.”

He spun the stool around to face her. “Really?”

“Looking after this place is a big responsibility.”

“Tell me about it,” he muttered. “It’s taking up my whole life.”

She unfolded herself and stretched, catlike, walking over to stand in front of him. “You don’t have to do it alone, Phil. I’m here to help.”

A sharp pain shot through his heart at the words, so like the ones Audrey had uttered earlier. In a moment of abject frustration and misery, he reached out and grabbed May around the waist, pulling her to him. 

“Then help me.”

“Phil, please.” She pushed against him. “Don’t do this.”

“Melinda - “

“No. Not like this.” She pulled out of his grasp and took a step back.

“God, what am I doing? What the hell am I doing?” He dropped his face into his hands. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” she said softly. “I know this is hard for you. I think … I think it’s best if we just forget about us and go back to the way we were before. Coworkers, friends, nothing more.”

He lifted his face and looked into her eyes. “Is that really what you want?”

Her face remained stony, eyes shuttered. “I think it’s for the best. Shield is in a precarious place right now and it needs a good, strong leader, not one who’s torn up emotionally and seeking comfort in a bottle.”

“Things with us have hardly begun. If we end it now we’ll never get a chance to see where … “ he trailed off.

“Maybe it’s better that way.” She reached out and touched his cheek tentatively, drawing back just as quickly. “There’s a reason people say business and pleasure shouldn’t mix.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Perhaps it’s better you keep the two separate.”

A long silence hung between them as Coulson didn’t know how to respond, or if he should even try. Her words made sense, but why then did they leave him with a crushing pain in his chest, feeling like every breath he was drawing was tearing him apart?

“You should get some sleep now. It’s late.”

He nodded woodenly and hopped off the stool. “Good night.”

Their eyes continued to hold one another’s until he turned his back and walked away. He lay in bed several minutes later, dry-eyed but body curled up in pain, feeling sick to his stomach. 

Back in the common area, May sat huddled up on the couch, tears streaming silently down her cheeks as she wept.

~ ~ ~ 

Some time later she woke at a slight noise nearby, only then realizing she’d fallen asleep. Peeking up over the back of the couch, she saw Coulson walking towards the stairs to his office.

“Phil?” she said quietly, standing up and going over to join him. “Is everything okay?”

He looked over in her direction but didn’t make eye contact. “I have to … “ He never finished the thought.

May’s blood ran cold as they passed the emergency lights and it bathed his face in a reddish glow. It was completely blank, his eyes dull and lifeless. She reached out to touch his arm but he shrugged it off.

“I have to,” he repeated, climbing the stairs.

“Have to what?”

He didn’t answer but he didn’t stop her from following him into the office and shutting the door either. Much to her surprise, he pushed a button that opened up a panel on the wall and pulled some sort of tool from a locked drawer in his desk.

She watched wordlessly as he began to carve.

~ ~ ~ 

An hour later he stopped suddenly, dropping the exact-o-knife to the ground and visibly relaxing. Sweat dripped off the sides of his face and his shirt was soaked with it.

“Phil?” May whispered tentatively.

His head turned around and to her relief he was back. “May. How long have you been here?”

“Since you started.” She walked forward and touched the carving wonderingly, fingers tracing the lines and circles. “My god, what is this?” She looked at him. “What is this and why are you doing it?”

For a moment he looked embarrassed, then fearful, like a child who’d done something wrong and was afraid of the punishment to come.

“Oh Phil,” she said tenderly, stepping forward and touching his soaking shirt. “Let’s get this off first.” She helped him take the t-shirt off and then stood facing him, only inches away. Neither of them spoke for a time.

Coulson finally broke the silence. “I can’t stop it, May. I can’t stop what’s happening to me.”

“Has it happened before?” She pointed to the wall carefully. “Do you know what this is?”

He shook his head. “I started seeing these symbols in my head, in my dreams, after we came here and I saw what Garrett had carved into the glass wall on the Bus. This is the third time I’ve felt a compulsion to come here and carve them myself.” He stopped and swallowed hard. “I don’t know what they mean but when I see them in my head I have to carve. I can’t help myself, May.” He moved forward suddenly and pulled her into his arms again, but this time she put her arms around him and held him tightly. “Am I going crazy? Am I cracking up? Am I going to end up like Garrett? What do I do?”

She heard the desperation in his voice, knew what he was asking of her. “No one else needs to know,” she said softly. “Just you and me. I don’t believe you’re going crazy, Phil. Not you.”

He pulled back to look at her but didn’t unclasp his hands from around her waist. “I don’t want to end up like Garrett,” he whispered.

“You won’t. I won’t let that happen. You know whatever happens, I’m here for you. Together we’ll figure it out.”

In that moment, Phil Coulson knew without a shadow of a doubt where his heart lie. Audrey was his past - a past that needed to be left behind as he’d left the old Phil behind when he’d been resurrected. His life had changed, was continuing to change in ways he couldn’t understand, and Melinda May was the one who belonged there with him. She was the only one who knew who he really was … _what_ he really was, and the only one who could share his deepest secrets and help him figure out how to deal with the future that was almost surely coming. As loathe as he was to face it, he knew he could and would as long as she was by his side, helping him carry the burdens he was going to have to bear. As long as he had her support and love, he knew he would be strong enough to take it.

“Have I ever told you how glad I am that I have you?” he whispered.

She smirked. “Maybe once or twice, but it never gets old.”

He looked straight into her eyes, lifting a hand to touch the hair framing her face. “I love you, Melinda May, and you’re the one I want here by my side. Always.”

She smiled as a lump closed her throat. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

**~ fin ~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking this journey with me. I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I have a feeling we will never actually see this on the show, as while the inter-relationships are crucial to who the characters are, the mystery and action/adventure portion of the show is what takes the forefront, so I was happy to have had the chance to explore this story and have it end the way I'd like to see it end. :)
> 
> Thanks again for reading and for all of your awesome comments. They make me happy. :D


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